Can anybody explain what this means?

Every morning before my boyfriend goes to work, in my head I say I wish you die, but I. Don't mean it, it just comes out, also before I would go to sleep, when I'm getting real sleepy and I'm about to close my eyes I hear knocking, also me and my son were taking a nap and he woke up first then me and he was knocking on the door for me to wake up(he was inside the room with me) anyways as I was waking up, I look and see my son knocking on the door and then I hear a loud breath sound like from a guy?